When I think about him, I think about all the things I love. I think of this amazing guy I would forgive anything. And what I love the most is how he makes me smile like a little girl, whenever he crosses my mind.. 

But I forget the things that should have made me running a few weeks ago. Like how he sometimes takes days to remember to answer my message. And how that makes me feel miserable and how it makes me cry when it’s just all too much. How he sometimes would talk about his ex. And how he wasn’t even there to say goodbye or bring me to the airport.. 

But then he does send me a message and all is forgotten. I find myself daydreaming about summer and all the things that we will do, together. I wipe the tears from my cheeks and smile at my phone. You say you miss me. I miss you too. 

My point is.. Please don’t break my heart. 

I forget that he too, can get angry. And if we find a way to figure this all out, I’m sure at some point we’ll end up yelling at each other more than once. But we’ll alwaye make up after. I bet he won’t even make it to his car, and I won’t leave the spot in the livingroom where I was standing when he walked out, until he comes back in.  

I forget that I’m not even your girlfriend, and I am having dangerous daydreams about a future that isn’t even certain. I forget that you’re not as perfect as you are in my mind. But I love all your flaws, so you’re perfect to me anyway. 

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When I think about him, I think about all the things I love. I think of this amazing guy I would forgive anything. And what I love the most is how he makes me smile like a little girl, whenever he crosses my mind.. 

But I forget the things that should have made me running a few weeks ago. Like how he sometimes takes days to remember to answer my message. And how that makes me feel miserable and how it makes me cry when it’s just all too much. How he sometimes would talk about his ex. And how he wasn’t even there to say goodbye or bring me to the airport.. 

But then he does send me a message and all is forgotten. I find myself daydreaming about summer and all the things that we will do, together. I wipe the tears from my cheeks and smile at my phone. You say you miss me. I miss you too. 

My point is.. Please don’t break my heart. 

I forget that he too, can get angry. And if we find a way to figure this all out, I’m sure at some point we’ll end up yelling at each other more than once. But we’ll alwaye make up after. I bet he won’t even make it to his car, and I won’t leave the spot in the livingroom where I was standing when he walked out, until he comes back in.  

I forget that I’m not even your girlfriend, and I am having dangerous daydreams about a future that isn’t even certain. I forget that you’re not as perfect as you are in my mind. But I love all your flaws, so you’re perfect to me anyway. 

When something drastic happens, it changes you. 
Maybe your best friend since kindergarden wrote you out os his life. Your boyfriend dumped you after confessing he never really loved you at all. A loved one died.. 
Something drastic happens, and life will never be the same. 

You don’t understand why. So you can’t let it go. Your mind is full with confusing memories, nothing makes sense anymore. No matter what you do, the images of how it used to be keep blocking your vision of the future. They make you sad and angry and dissapointed and you just don’t know how to make it stop. Because you have to understand why. Until then, you’ll keep going through your memories until you find out when it all went wrong. 

But the chance that you’ll find out, is small. Because it’s never really one thing that happened. And usually it’s not your fault that a loved one died. Relationships end. Friends leave. 
But life goes on. 

And of course it’s okay to grieve. Of course it fucking hurts, you just want it all to end. Cry as much as you need. Yell at photo albums with the music turned up so loud the neighbors start to consider calling the police. Eat icecream for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a week, and then stop eating from wednesday through friday. But when you’ve been through all that, get up again. Return to ‘normal life’ as best as you can. 

And yes, it will probably still hurt. But that’s okay. Maybe someday you’ll find yourself gulping down leftovers in the middle of the night by the light of the open fridge. That’s fine. As long as you don’t give up trying to get yourself back together. 

And if you just hold on long enough, someday you will find yourself smiling, and you’ll realise that the memories don’t hurt as much. You can even talk about it without choking up now. 

If it wasn’t for that drastic thing, you wouldn’t be here right now. 
And ‘here’ isn’t that bad at all :) 

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When something drastic happens, it changes you. 
Maybe your best friend since kindergarden wrote you out os his life. Your boyfriend dumped you after confessing he never really loved you at all. A loved one died.. 
Something drastic happens, and life will never be the same. 

You don’t understand why. So you can’t let it go. Your mind is full with confusing memories, nothing makes sense anymore. No matter what you do, the images of how it used to be keep blocking your vision of the future. They make you sad and angry and dissapointed and you just don’t know how to make it stop. Because you have to understand why. Until then, you’ll keep going through your memories until you find out when it all went wrong. 

But the chance that you’ll find out, is small. Because it’s never really one thing that happened. And usually it’s not your fault that a loved one died. Relationships end. Friends leave. 
But life goes on. 

And of course it’s okay to grieve. Of course it fucking hurts, you just want it all to end. Cry as much as you need. Yell at photo albums with the music turned up so loud the neighbors start to consider calling the police. Eat icecream for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a week, and then stop eating from wednesday through friday. But when you’ve been through all that, get up again. Return to ‘normal life’ as best as you can. 

And yes, it will probably still hurt. But that’s okay. Maybe someday you’ll find yourself gulping down leftovers in the middle of the night by the light of the open fridge. That’s fine. As long as you don’t give up trying to get yourself back together. 

And if you just hold on long enough, someday you will find yourself smiling, and you’ll realise that the memories don’t hurt as much. You can even talk about it without choking up now. 

If it wasn’t for that drastic thing, you wouldn’t be here right now. 
And ‘here’ isn’t that bad at all :) 

Falling in love with a stranger is a very powerful experience. It happens fast and unexpected. Without warning, someone walks into your life, and it will never be the same again. 

Sam was my stranger. He came out of nowhere. From across the room, our eyes met, and something just fell into place. I started blushing and this gorgeous smile spread across his face. Maybe because he had felt it too. 

I fumbled nervously with the straw of my drink. From the corner of my eye I saw him coming my way. He started introducing himself, and my heart stopped beating when he leaned into me to whisper in my ear that he thought I was pretty. I had fallen in love with him and I only knew his name. 

Something happened, and I had to leave. We didn’t exchange phonenumbers. I never saw him again. 

I never even knew that kind of ‘love’ was possible. It took me weeks to recover from that devastating meeting. And sometimes, I still secretly hope that I’ll meet him again someday. 

But maybe we only met to give me hope again. To show me that love happends

You don’t have to go looking for it. 

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Falling in love with a stranger is a very powerful experience. It happens fast and unexpected. Without warning, someone walks into your life, and it will never be the same again. 

Sam was my stranger. He came out of nowhere. From across the room, our eyes met, and something just fell into place. I started blushing and this gorgeous smile spread across his face. Maybe because he had felt it too. 

I fumbled nervously with the straw of my drink. From the corner of my eye I saw him coming my way. He started introducing himself, and my heart stopped beating when he leaned into me to whisper in my ear that he thought I was pretty. I had fallen in love with him and I only knew his name. 

Something happened, and I had to leave. We didn’t exchange phonenumbers. I never saw him again. 

I never even knew that kind of ‘love’ was possible. It took me weeks to recover from that devastating meeting. And sometimes, I still secretly hope that I’ll meet him again someday. 

But maybe we only met to give me hope again. To show me that love happends

You don’t have to go looking for it. 

The moment you realise that you’re Single.

image

You’re in the grocery store, trying to figure out what you’re going to eat tonight. You’re one of those rare moments when you forget about all the things that are wrong with your life. 

"Excuse me." someone behind you taps on your shoulder. "I need something from that shelve but you’re kind of in the way.."

You step away, feeling embarrassed, but when you look up you see a friendly, smiling face. A pretty handsome face. You feel your face turning red and quickly turn away, but he has seen you blush. And then he’s suddenly introducing himself, making some joke about grocery stores but you don’t really listen to what he’s saying because you don’t know what to do. He’s flirting with you but you can’t flirt because.. 

You look down at your basket and find that you’ve gotten food for two. Because you’re having one of those rare moments when you completely forget that you broke up with your boyfriend a week ago. 

You smile politely at this stranger, but you avoid telling him your name. Luckily, he gets it within seconds and leaves. 

For the first time since the breakup, in the middle of a grocery store, you fully realise that you are, in fact, single. 
You can flirt with anyone you like! 

How do you feel about that? You’re not sure.. In a way, it’s liberating. No one can tell you what you can and can’t do anymore. No one who will get jealous because you’re talking with someone from the opposite sex. But it also means that you’re alone, and that you don’t need all that food that you already put in your basket. 

With mixed emotions you leace the store, and for a brief moment you think about the guy who made you realise that you’re at the beginning of a new chapter of your life. What was his name again? 

Maybe you do feel good, even if your life is a little bit in chaos since the breakup. It’s not the end of the world. You can handle it. 

First off, it is NOT your fault that your mind has developed such a twisted sense of what ‘beautiful’ is ‘supposed’ to be. It’s society. It’s every advertisement on tv and in every magazine. It’s the other kids whispering in your ear that you’re fat, because they need to hide how insecure they are themselves.

But who gets to decide what it means to be concidered beautiful. Who told you that freckles are ugly, and you have to be at least 5.8ft to even be concidered pretty? So what if your feet are a little big for your height but you have gorgeous eyes and your laughter makes other people wanna join in on the fun. Everyone has something that makes them beautiful. No one’s perfect. 

So stop hating yourself so much. It doesn’t matter if your teeth are a little crooked, let the world see your pretty smile! Be bold and put on that red dress the next time you go outside. Even if you’re only going to the grocery store, do it! Go and take that dance class. Everyone had to learn it at some point, so they won’t laugh at you if you don’t get it right the first time. Sing in public with your best friend, and don’t feel ashamed afterwards. And for gods sake, ask for his number if you really think he’s that cute! What’s the worst that could happen? You get rejected, you see him never again. The world will go on, you’ll get over your shame, you’ll live. I promiss. 

And remember, we’re all insecure. Some of us are just really good at hiding it. But don’t let your fear of rejection and failure rule your life. 

We are all beautiful in our own, individual ways. 
So smile (: 

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First off, it is NOT your fault that your mind has developed such a twisted sense of what ‘beautiful’ is ‘supposed’ to be. It’s society. It’s every advertisement on tv and in every magazine. It’s the other kids whispering in your ear that you’re fat, because they need to hide how insecure they are themselves.

But who gets to decide what it means to be concidered beautiful. Who told you that freckles are ugly, and you have to be at least 5.8ft to even be concidered pretty? So what if your feet are a little big for your height but you have gorgeous eyes and your laughter makes other people wanna join in on the fun. Everyone has something that makes them beautiful. No one’s perfect. 

So stop hating yourself so much. It doesn’t matter if your teeth are a little crooked, let the world see your pretty smile! Be bold and put on that red dress the next time you go outside. Even if you’re only going to the grocery store, do it! Go and take that dance class. Everyone had to learn it at some point, so they won’t laugh at you if you don’t get it right the first time. Sing in public with your best friend, and don’t feel ashamed afterwards. And for gods sake, ask for his number if you really think he’s that cute! What’s the worst that could happen? You get rejected, you see him never again. The world will go on, you’ll get over your shame, you’ll live. I promiss. 

And remember, we’re all insecure. Some of us are just really good at hiding it. But don’t let your fear of rejection and failure rule your life. 

We are all beautiful in our own, individual ways. 
So smile (: 

14. Reasons why being a vegetarian sucks.

  1. There is always, always someone who asks you why.
    "Did you decide to become a vegetarian because you thing it’s sad? Don’t you think it’s sad when they’ve died for nothing because you won’t eat him?" 
    Stop it! Are you trying to change my mind or something? I don’t eat meat and that’s it! Nothing you say will change my freakin’ mind.
  2. It’s hard to go out for dinner. 
    Usually, if you’re a vegetaian, you’re not really blown away by what they have to offer for you. It seems like they have the same choices for you everywhere you go. Most of the time I end up ordering something without the meat, and sometimes they will actually make something special for you. But those restaurants are usually pretty expensive.. 
  3. People always think that I eat fish.
    What is up with that? In my eyes, being a vegetarian means that I don’t eat anything that had to die. Meaning animals, fish and yes, bugs too. (I understand that some vegetarians do eat fish. It’s fine, I was just sharing my opinion.) 
  4. The stuff they call ‘food’ in airplanes is horrible. Seriously, it’s disgusting. 
  5. When I eat at a friends’ parents house, I still sort of guilty that they had to make something especially for me
  6. People usually don’t understand that, no, you can’t put my veggie-burger in the same cooking pan as yours. Are you really that stupid?
  7. The misunderstanding that vegetarians don’t drink milk/eat cheese/eggs.
  8. More than once I have been called a ‘fake’ vegetarian -usually the same ones who think I eat fish but okay- because they saw me eating cheese. Thats veganism people. Learn the difference!
  9. It’s expensive. Veggie-burgers are not cheap.
  10. Barbecues are horrible. And summers are filled with them. There’s just no escape. Eventually, you will run out of excuses not to go and then you’ll just sit there with your salad and bread and brocolli because the host forgot to buy some veggie-burgers even though that person has been bugging you about coming for weeks on end. 
  11. To me, certain kinds of meat still smell really good to me when it’s well seasoned. For instance, my moms macaroni is pretty much torture to me. Unless she also made a vegetarian version. That one is pretty delicious as well. 
  12. Someone, those huge beef burgers do look good. It’s not like I ever felt the need to actually take a bite, but still. They really know how to advertise those things!
  13. You just have less to choose of, in general. But that shouldn’t bother you if you’re a vegetarian. 
  14. There is always someone who will try to push your buttons. And by that I mean; someone who will start telling you, in great detail, about the meat that they are eating. Sometimes they even come up with sad little stories. Why? 
  15. People who will try to convince you to take just one bite of they whatever it is with meat in it. One bite is fine, they won’t tell anyone. No. 

I never asked for this to happen. I mean, who would willingly set herself up for heartbreak? I never once believed I would even make a chance with you anyway. So I had already fully accepted that I would just have to make sure we would become great friends, to keep you in my life for as long as possible.
Maybe I’m just still really naive and didn’t see the signs? Or maybe I really should have seen it coming..

It actually happend really fast, I didn’t even feel how I lost my balance. Within days I found myself madly in love with you. I’d always thought that you were ‘cute’ and it had made me wonder what you were like in real life. And now I was falling in love with all your little things. Like the way you hold your phone when you’re texting, all your fingers laced together at the back. Or how you actually look up when you’re thinking, and the way I could read every emotion right off your face. How you like to sleep with your socks on, so your toes won’t get cold. And how your voice sounds in the morning.. 

We were together 24/7, literally. But we clicked together with so much ease, it felt like we had been living together for years. You let me into your life for a week, and I fit right in. And being with you sort of gave me that feeling like coming home and I regret it so much that I didn’t take any pictures.. 

The week ended, and when it was time for me to leave you weren’t there to say goodbye. You said you didn’t know I had to leave so early..

As I listened to the stories about Hitler, who according to my Croatian taxi-driver, only drank Cognac from this weird country, I had to fight back my tears. There’s just something horribly wrong with leaving without saying goodbye. Especially when you have to leave the guy you have fallen in love with and you are going to the other side of the world, so you don’t know whether you will ever see him again. But you texted me not to worry, I would see you again. I remembered the little conversations we had about summer, and tried to hold on to the hope that you would keep your word. 

I’m still holding on to that hope. Kind of. But you’re not making it easy. I know you’re really busy, but this kind of hurts right now. Because I want to believe you and trust you. But you don’t really answer my messages anymore. And that’s not really nice of you..
Will summer ever come? 

I could live with silence. If you would just tell me that this is not the end of our story but that you just really have to concentrate on your work right now. Tell me everything is going to be fine and you’ll make it up to me in the summer. Or autumn. Or winter.. 

But if I’m wrong, if you don’t like me after all, tell me. Don’t make me hold on to something that never even excisted. Tell me it was just a moment of weakness, it didn’t really mean anything, maybe we can still be friends? Then maybe, I can let you go, and move on with my life. 

Or maybe I’m just driving myself crazy, as people who are in love often do. And there’s really nothing to worry about. -You did tell me I shouldn’t worry so much..- You really are busy and.. well, I’m simply not your girlfriend. 

I think summer will come.. 
But it would be really great if you would make me feel like it as well :) 

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I never asked for this to happen. I mean, who would willingly set herself up for heartbreak? I never once believed I would even make a chance with you anyway. So I had already fully accepted that I would just have to make sure we would become great friends, to keep you in my life for as long as possible.
Maybe I’m just still really naive and didn’t see the signs? Or maybe I really should have seen it coming..

It actually happend really fast, I didn’t even feel how I lost my balance. Within days I found myself madly in love with you. I’d always thought that you were ‘cute’ and it had made me wonder what you were like in real life. And now I was falling in love with all your little things. Like the way you hold your phone when you’re texting, all your fingers laced together at the back. Or how you actually look up when you’re thinking, and the way I could read every emotion right off your face. How you like to sleep with your socks on, so your toes won’t get cold. And how your voice sounds in the morning.. 

We were together 24/7, literally. But we clicked together with so much ease, it felt like we had been living together for years. You let me into your life for a week, and I fit right in. And being with you sort of gave me that feeling like coming home and I regret it so much that I didn’t take any pictures.. 

The week ended, and when it was time for me to leave you weren’t there to say goodbye. You said you didn’t know I had to leave so early..

As I listened to the stories about Hitler, who according to my Croatian taxi-driver, only drank Cognac from this weird country, I had to fight back my tears. There’s just something horribly wrong with leaving without saying goodbye. Especially when you have to leave the guy you have fallen in love with and you are going to the other side of the world, so you don’t know whether you will ever see him again. But you texted me not to worry, I would see you again. I remembered the little conversations we had about summer, and tried to hold on to the hope that you would keep your word. 

I’m still holding on to that hope. Kind of. But you’re not making it easy. I know you’re really busy, but this kind of hurts right now. Because I want to believe you and trust you. But you don’t really answer my messages anymore. And that’s not really nice of you..
Will summer ever come? 

I could live with silence. If you would just tell me that this is not the end of our story but that you just really have to concentrate on your work right now. Tell me everything is going to be fine and you’ll make it up to me in the summer. Or autumn. Or winter.. 

But if I’m wrong, if you don’t like me after all, tell me. Don’t make me hold on to something that never even excisted. Tell me it was just a moment of weakness, it didn’t really mean anything, maybe we can still be friends? Then maybe, I can let you go, and move on with my life. 

Or maybe I’m just driving myself crazy, as people who are in love often do. And there’s really nothing to worry about. -You did tell me I shouldn’t worry so much..- You really are busy and.. well, I’m simply not your girlfriend. 

I think summer will come.. 
But it would be really great if you would make me feel like it as well :) 

Every one around you seems to be making these big life decisions. Some are going to college, a few are getting married or are having a baby. But probably both. You feel the pressure. Your family is waiting for you to finally go out into the world and build a life of your own. You’re an adult now, remember? 

But you don’t know what you want to do with your life yet. Maybe there is a boyfriend in the picture, but he might not last after all. And you surely don’t want to get pregnant already? Are you going to college, travel, just find a job and stay in your hometown for the rest of your life? 

It’s okay. You’re not the only one who has a little bit trouble finding their way in the world of the grown ups. It’s hard to make such big decisions, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it if you need a little bit more time than the rest to figure it all out. 

There is a very big chance, that they don’t really know it either. A lot of people who go to college do it because that is what’s expected of them. That doesn’t always mean it’s also what they want to do. And no one really ‘plans’ having a baby before the age of 21 either. 

But not knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life doesn’t mean that you’re lost. You’re just.. taking a breather. You’ll have years and years to rush and worry and make big decisions even if you don’t want to. 

Wander while you still can.

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Every one around you seems to be making these big life decisions. Some are going to college, a few are getting married or are having a baby. But probably both. You feel the pressure. Your family is waiting for you to finally go out into the world and build a life of your own. You’re an adult now, remember? 

But you don’t know what you want to do with your life yet. Maybe there is a boyfriend in the picture, but he might not last after all. And you surely don’t want to get pregnant already? Are you going to college, travel, just find a job and stay in your hometown for the rest of your life? 

It’s okay. You’re not the only one who has a little bit trouble finding their way in the world of the grown ups. It’s hard to make such big decisions, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it if you need a little bit more time than the rest to figure it all out. 

There is a very big chance, that they don’t really know it either. A lot of people who go to college do it because that is what’s expected of them. That doesn’t always mean it’s also what they want to do. And no one really ‘plans’ having a baby before the age of 21 either. 

But not knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life doesn’t mean that you’re lost. You’re just.. taking a breather. You’ll have years and years to rush and worry and make big decisions even if you don’t want to. 

Wander while you still can.

When I was about 16, people started telling me that I should try to be less angry at the world and enjoy all the free time that I supposedly had. But it was really hard not to be angry at the world, and to me, is didn’t seem like I had any free time at all.

Those old people were just talking nonsense. How could I enjoy being a teenager? I didn’t have any boobs, I had no clue what I was supposed to do with make up and I had a really bad acne. For which, at some point, I got this medicine that made me burst into flames if I spend five mintutes in the sun. I wasn’t exactly the most popular girl of the school and all the guys saw me as one of them, so dating was out of the question. In general, I felt like being a teenager was the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, and I couldn’t wait to be older, when everything would be ‘easier’. 

Well.. a lot has changed since then. Eventhough I haven’t moved out yet, I do have to pay my own bills and I am responsible for my own financial business. I turned out to be a late bloomer, but it also turned out that relationships don’t work like those in the movies and their actually really hard work.

But dear lord I had a lot of free time back then! How didn’t I see that? I spend entire weekends on the couch, either at home or at a friends house, doing nothing but eating and talking and watching the sports channel, because we had become addicted to Nadal. Somehow, my mind was always filled with homework, but we never actually did any. I was always late, if I went to school at all. I spend years doing nothing. And I was bored all. the. time.

And I see it now, how I should have enjoyed those lazy afternoons a little bit more. Those things I didn’t notice back then, are the things I miss the most now.. Suddenly, our exams mean nothing to me anymore, but the time spend studying gave me some of my most precious memories. 

They were telling the truth, those crazy old people. 
In the end, it’s the little things that make your life worth it. 

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When I was about 16, people started telling me that I should try to be less angry at the world and enjoy all the free time that I supposedly had. But it was really hard not to be angry at the world, and to me, is didn’t seem like I had any free time at all.

Those old people were just talking nonsense. How could I enjoy being a teenager? I didn’t have any boobs, I had no clue what I was supposed to do with make up and I had a really bad acne. For which, at some point, I got this medicine that made me burst into flames if I spend five mintutes in the sun. I wasn’t exactly the most popular girl of the school and all the guys saw me as one of them, so dating was out of the question. In general, I felt like being a teenager was the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, and I couldn’t wait to be older, when everything would be ‘easier’. 

Well.. a lot has changed since then. Eventhough I haven’t moved out yet, I do have to pay my own bills and I am responsible for my own financial business. I turned out to be a late bloomer, but it also turned out that relationships don’t work like those in the movies and their actually really hard work.

But dear lord I had a lot of free time back then! How didn’t I see that? I spend entire weekends on the couch, either at home or at a friends house, doing nothing but eating and talking and watching the sports channel, because we had become addicted to Nadal. Somehow, my mind was always filled with homework, but we never actually did any. I was always late, if I went to school at all. I spend years doing nothing. And I was bored all. the. time.

And I see it now, how I should have enjoyed those lazy afternoons a little bit more. Those things I didn’t notice back then, are the things I miss the most now.. Suddenly, our exams mean nothing to me anymore, but the time spend studying gave me some of my most precious memories. 

They were telling the truth, those crazy old people. 
In the end, it’s the little things that make your life worth it. 

I know you’ve been through a lot. Life is hard and you’re only getting started. Knowing that, you don’t really see in what the point is. People will  always hurt you. And the worst part is that, usually, it’s the people you love the most who do it. 

Every once in a while there seems to be someone willing to try and tear that wall down. But after a while, that person slowly backs away again when he sees it’s too much work, and your wall grows a little bit taller. The last pieces of your hope are slipping away. No one is ever going to climb that wall, you just know it. 

But maybe, you should try to do something about it as well. That wall is your biggest self defence, I know all that, but it is also making you extremely unhappy. Learn to have a little bit trust in people. Not every one is out to ruin your life. Not really. And maybe, if you would just swing a rope down every once in a while, someone might actually be willing to climb over. 

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I know you’ve been through a lot. Life is hard and you’re only getting started. Knowing that, you don’t really see in what the point is. People will  always hurt you. And the worst part is that, usually, it’s the people you love the most who do it. 

Every once in a while there seems to be someone willing to try and tear that wall down. But after a while, that person slowly backs away again when he sees it’s too much work, and your wall grows a little bit taller. The last pieces of your hope are slipping away. No one is ever going to climb that wall, you just know it. 

But maybe, you should try to do something about it as well. That wall is your biggest self defence, I know all that, but it is also making you extremely unhappy. Learn to have a little bit trust in people. Not every one is out to ruin your life. Not really. And maybe, if you would just swing a rope down every once in a while, someone might actually be willing to climb over.